Pure Peachy-Keen Happiness

Sometimes I don’t like my life either, I’ve cried and said  “I don’t know how to be happy” in the arms of Bowerbird –the person that brings me the most joy. And thankfully he understands things are more complicated than just having a few right elements and everything is peachy-keen…you have to work on it…and not run away from it. And not find false happiness in substances, true happiness comes from a pure state. And thats the last I’m going to say about that…

(an AIM conversation with a friend, my last tid bit of advice)

instagram/ @basicallybekka

It all TERRIFYS ME, I’m just a silly scaredy cat!

I’m dating a boy! Well more of a man, he is a decade older than me after all. But the same guy I wrote about months ago, in my I Like You post, the one I texted at Coachella in my moment of clarity. Well I wrote him this letter, after a very long story that I’ll keep mostly to myself, but that letter changed everything. And now, for the first time, a guy that I thought I had no chance with; well we are actually dating. We are enamored and smitten. Last Friday we went to see Pisces together (see below video) and I was nervous he wouldn’t like the music, so he wouldn’t want to go. BUT GUESS WHAT! He was open to going to the show, pay to go to this show of a band he didn’t know, and all because he knew I wanted to go cause I wanted to dance.

Yeah, I have some bad habits to unlearn, or bad expectations. It’s interesting how we can so easily be trained to expect the worst, when it’s supposed to be normal for a fellow to WANT to go to things his gal. Wants to go REGARDLESS if he really wants to or not, but go because he gets to spend time with his gal. There are a list of things I don’t ever want to feel again when it comes to matters of the heart, like the hot burn of off and on rejection. Happily I don’t think I’ll be feeling rejected, no not from him, not like that.

Tom is Stupid & Summer is a Bitch

Last night I watched 500 Days of Summer, one of my favorite movies that I had not watched in a while. Cinematically it is still one of my favs, stylistically one of my favs, but I looked at the story in a whole new light and I have to say; Tom you are absolutely retarded and Summer you’re a fucking bitch!
When I first saw this movie (500 Days of Summer) I thought the world of Tom, and empathized with Summer. Now in lieu of being strung along by a guy, letting someone else mean more to me than my own self-worth and wellbeing, and having my own heart completely disregarded with no care in the world. I would like to say I deserved every painful, long drawn out crying fit or torturous painful *anorexic induced stress and stomach retching ach because I “loved” him or thought “he was the one”. And I decided yes we will be friends and someday he will love me, etc. Until one day I woke up like Tom drawing on his wall and decided enough of this, I’m moving on.

But just as N.D, knew I was in love with him, and should have let this poor struggling fish off the damn line and not say “let’s be friends”. Summer should have said “Hi Tom, sorry I’m just not in love with you and don’t think I ever will be lets go our separate ways”. Don’t dance with him; don’t give him morsels of hope to be choked on later by an engagement ring!!

I’m not that great at dating, as I have “value” issues to deal with. You know saying “I’m better than this” or “I deserve to be pursued” lots of lingo like that. I can get clingy or want to move to fast out of a deep knowing that “hell he doesn’t want a relationship with me anyways so what the hell”. But I’m changing and growing. A part of that is to NOT BE A FRIEND, with someone you really like or was in a relationship with because it only leads to you being emotionally abused and mind fucked.

In conclusion, Tom I hoped you learned your lesson and Summer I’m glad you got married cause you should no longer talk to your ex’s, that is just bad form!

*I was not anorexic. But my calorie count was around 500 at some point cause I just couldn’t eat and I drank a lot of high-calorie sodas/juices to keep blood sugar up– I was a mess.

Five Fun Facts- II

1. I’m allergic to meat. I do not produce enough of the ensyme that breaks down the protein properly. I sometimes wish I have the PETA conviction to not want to eat meat, but I don’t…which can get me into trouble. Sorry tummy!

2. My new years resolution was to give up meat, except on special occasions and if it cost more that $30.00. Try justifying eating a $30.00 piece of meat, not easy.

3.  I dream of living in a house up in the hills of Silver Lake that is super sixties. I have the living room and stair case designed in my head. There will be tears the day I see my dream house.

4. Hopeless romantic doesn’t even cut it when it comes to describing my bleeding heart for love. Although I have sworn off men/ dating for 2012/13. A girl needs a break from the drama.

5. I’ve never fallen in love; close but no cigar. Never date an artist.